| josh "so why do you think he poured some of his drink out like that?" |
[Oct. 31st, 2007|11:16 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room... | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | interpol | ] |
today.. is a new day.
just like every other day that comes and goes. today is my last day in our 1st apartment. its kind of unreal actually. i never thought i could fall this in love with someone. i was a reckloose i think for a little while... or rather i just didnt know what i wanted... or needed. and i guess what they say is right... when you know ... you know. josh has literally changed my life and i am so thankful to him. he has shown me true love and how you are really supposed to treat someone. i have never felt more at ease or more accepted for all of my flaws.
ok enough mushy stuff.
NORA, if you read this... ill be emailing you shortly i promise... my life has been quite busy as of late but i did get your msg.... thank you.
sooooo our trip is posponed but for a very good reason.... i mean i really felt as though i needed to leave NOW, but these recent surprises will keep me a little while longer.
bleh blaH blehlkjhfkjfzsa
ok im jettin
peace and love |
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| is it just me |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|02:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | here now | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bob dylan | ] |
sealion
why, if you can even answer this question, do we or i seem to care so deeply for people that dont give a shit about me.
i used to really love this one friend of mine. i thought i was what they claimed to never have. i lended advice, loved unconditionally, TRUSTED with everything, fell in love while they supported, fell out of love while they understood, held their hair while puking was the only option.... sceptic mind..... im just so frustrated. what did i do wrong? lend some advice that i thought would help... just because it didnt doesnt mean it was my fault. they saw my intentions in an other light... a pessimistic light... or were just influenced by others.
im just frustrated because i want to let go of all the bullshit but all i can think is, how can i fix things...make them how they used to be. WELL maybe the way things were, just were not for me. my life has changed so drastically that maybe this past that i thought was good for me... just wasnt. im with a man who truly loves me... flaws and all. there isnt a nook or craney he doesnt know about and he accepts me for just those things. and i have family that have been so supportive of me esspecially in this last little while with all the new news. and i have friends that stand by me. i couldnt be more thankful for anne marie, michelle and paul. no matter how long AMF and i went without talking, we always had a sense of how each other were. when her mom died you better believe i dropped everything and went to be with her through it all. 25 years of age with no more mother. fuck....and here i am complaining about what use to be. what a strong resiliant woman she is. ..... quality of life.... what can we chalk that up to be?
welp... see ya later |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|09:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | denali | ] |
this is my life... over and over
reaching deep down
to where the coral grows
from the bottom of
the souls of my feet.
quiet and gentle
silk over my eyes
covering what i knew
hiding from the heat.
the quake shook me up
broke my bones and ego
reminded me of the
hanging poison touch.
slight of hand
and faint breath
my eagar quotes
became too much.
slowly lift me
to where i dont belong
cut me off at the knees
and pour your heart out.
protect me from
what they say is right
and lay beside me
hand in hand.
consume to waste
cut tonight in halves
drain your self
into water logged salt.
tonight...was...interesting.
what will tomorrow bring?
peace and love |
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| back where we started |
[Aug. 30th, 2007|07:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | balcony | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tina dico | ] |
im sitting here downloading some music for the up and coming road trip and i decided to tap back into tina dico. what an amazing voice. im not sure exactly how to describe her music... it just hits me in my gut... and in my mind so heavily i almost explode.
anyhow, it reminds me of sitting in front of the computer msging pauly coffee back and forth for hours before we would realize that we both had free long distance and we should be on the phone with one another. and the day would always start out with shelley and i having some kariboo coffee and listening to tina dico. i was completely at peace with myself for the first time ever in those moments. shelley, paul and a few others who arent worth mentioning now, were really there to support my new "coming into myself" moments.i dont think i would have survived otherwise. and im constantly growing now. i look back a few people who just truly drained me for all i was worth without second thought or self reflection....... what a weary state of mind.
like i said last entry i am coming out of this living in the past shit. i think alot of my bitterness needs to escape in order for relief. ive just had a hard time accepting all that has happened. i have made my fare share of mistakes and i cant take them back, but im scared to approach some to appologize. i guess it just needs to be done in order to grow. many will accept it and many will not. i have to live with that and be strong through it all.
i have such an urge to become.... "enlightened"(in my own life)
ramble ramble ramble
ok veronica will be fixed for a bit more money then i would like to spend right now, but she is my first ever car, so it has to be done.
hope all is well. |
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| here we go again |
[Aug. 28th, 2007|07:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tina dico | ] |
sometimes i feel like i am living in the past with the future right in front of me. it's hard to reach and i feel like i am constantly jumping for something that is always out of reach.i started thinking about where my life has taken me in these past couple of years and i've finally realized where i have really been. talking to amanda was so different. she has never been anywhere or experienced anything. she feels filtered and yet tied down and believes she will never escape.
i realize i have two pretty amazing things to escape to. writing this book has been therapy for me in the deepest sense. complete fiction, but somehow describes my life to a "T". and this amazing fellow of mine doesnt hurt much either. he is the best support system i have going.
my car has finally bit some dust. im thinking she is fixable.... however in order for this next little trip, i dont want to take any chances with her. veronica cant die on me yet!!!! lol lol. well at least ill have the memories of things like the broken window and the huge rock,all the way out west and back... half of which was by myself, endless dube cruises on pelee, geting stuck in the mud snow and sand.... and the list could go on.... so ok ok, im a little bit sentimental about my car.
anyway. josh and i are trying to make it to nanaimo for november first. however this little car fiasco might force a plan b. we have our jobs set up and school set up now so im ready to rock.... it really feels like this could be the begining.
i miss you. |
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| its almost been a year.... |
[May. 18th, 2007|10:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | decemberists | ] |
i almost forgot about this thing.... and no i feel the urge to write in it.
can you go on without the light of day
without that scramble of ants?
refreshed and refurbished
a whole new skin
cant stop the rock
but i can skip it all the way across
perry ferrel ?sp? has a new album out with a song written to one of jim morrisons' poems. im pretty pumped to hear it again. and the lyrics... the words... "they're not going to stop us 'cuz we're just gonna love" it hits me hard. they haven't stopped me and i dont plan on letting them.
this past year of my life has been quite the eye opener to say the least but i know it can only go uphill from here.
windsor what a city. im re-discovering this place, re-discovering myself and getting ready for my next step in life. still a bit depressed about the "lack of" windsor seems to provide and a bit aprehensive about re-visiting some of my past. i guess the best is yet to come. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2006|09:49 am] |
i feel forgotten..... this is why your memory will stand strong with me.
i wish i had paint on my fingers.
he lay silent in a place unfamiliar. Life was all it needed to be for him.... acceptance is my latest accomplishment. the clouds aligned with his father by his side. silence arose from a fleeting helicopter.
and i had a dream.... a discussion with myself. Death by fire. her car crashes, the world is upside down from her perrepheral view. scorches of intensity must have hit her body... i wish i could take her pain. and her brother.... her entire... their entire family flipped inside out. why did she survive untouched years ago only to now be taken? I am still thank-full for all their presents we were fortunate enough to encounter.
mike flick im missing you alot lately.... and wish i had the time to come and visit....... |
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| i will shut you off |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|03:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | coheed | ] |
WOW.
and thats all i have to say about that.
ex oh. |
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| save it |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|06:47 am] |
40 minutes trying to explain my past.... i wish people would let me move on. im not living in the past.... today is march 28th 2006 and not one minute before.
i was told some things today that confused me whether they were meant to be confusing or not. i think im over analytical when it comes to my life.... i guess thats my right.
i think about the outcome and how i would feel. its scary. |
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| hmmmmm weird |
[Dec. 8th, 2005|04:49 pm] |
how about instead of butting into my business and leaving anonymous comments you back what you think and tell me who you are.
thank you and have a nice day. |
|
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| as days go by, the memories remain |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|03:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the fullblast | ] |
so it has been quite a while and i appologize for the distance. my life has been upside down and backwards, which i have realized but it always takes a drastic event to open my eyes before they shut again.
once maybe twice a year this always happens and it never gets any easier. losing pple never gets any easier. watching pple attempt to lose everything never becomes easier.
two nights ago a friend of mine thought that things hit the point of no return and that nothing was bearable for one more day. 7 stories he fell... broken arms and broken legs but his life still lies in that hospital bed. what to make of such a situation. this is something new, something i have not dealt with yet... an attempt but no " success". he is hurt and needs lots of love and i hope that he gets what he is looking for. i hope he realizes that because he had a 15% chance of surviving and did, that he is not meant to leave yet. i hope he can heal...
and thats just the begining. so mounrful, so drab... the weather seems to bring out the worst. by my forshaowing im sure you can guess about the other events i dont want to get into at this moment... grandma is sick, nana is sick, mr. mcCormick passed on... and so on and so forth.
hmm now how do i make a segway? well im home... for the moment i guess... and would like to see everyone so... lets make it happen. the next week is CRAZY for me but after that i have time for everyone i promise!!!!
i love you all and hope things are well and safe.
xo |
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